Anticipation

Sometimes I wonder if I compartmentalize my feelings before big events. I wonder if I miss out on savoring the moment by turning off my emotions so I am prepared for things to go wrong. Sometimes it is a survival mechanism. Like with Sydney, we had a 24 hour period to get through until we could breathe so we just zoned out. At least that is the best way to describe it. What can you do about things going wrong (even the small stuff, like being delayed or something like that)? I think I have learned that it is best to just go with the flow and take some chances. For instance, I wish I could go back and tell myself that Syd would be ours so the first time I held her I could have really felt what I wanted to feel. What would that have been like? To fully enjoy a moment. We had our moment, but just not that one.

I am going to try to go into this tomorrow without any fear and completely trusting in God and his will. How can I lose? At best, I will fully enjoy the moment and remember it the way I would want to. Millions get a spinal. Millions have c sections. I am not unique in that. Only how I view or handle my experience is unique. There. I am in control of something.

Ok, so I am sure I won't sleep tonight. I can't imagine just putting the computer away and turning over and going to sleep. I first must drink all of my water before midnight. I did just have a light snack. I think I will be ok as long as I can live with having one of Sydney's cheese sticks as the last food for the next 36 hours (I am guessing). Adam says he will not have any trouble sleeping. I will focus on pointless things like the fact that I can find my ipod. This is what ipod are made for and now I can't find it. He just looked in the car, but it isn't his ipod that is missing so I don't believe he REALLY looked. I want to go myself now. I will see if he will let me. Ok, we are both going. I will be back. Ok, found it. Not in the car, but on a book shelf. Now I can't find the his coming home outfit. I had it at my mom's with my hospital bag when we stayed there. I bet I left it, but she won't get out of bed and look. It is only 11 PM! I am sure it is in her room. She could at least cut on a light and look around from the bed. Am I being insensitive?

That settles it, I am going to get up early and repack the baby's bag. I don't feel that I have the cutest stuff going to the hospital. I just realized that I plan to nurse and I haven't read a thing on it. Not a thing. Oh well. You always forget something.

I guess I will just lay in bed, watch TV and try to feel him kicking for one of the last times (inside my stomach at least).

Until tomorrow....